PREFACE
In May
this year, I joined some of the cast and crew of JourneyQuest along with Clint
Black (and surprise guest Cheyenne Wright!) from Pinnacle Entertainment Group
in playing a session of Savage Worlds set in the JourneyQuest universe. The following piece was written a few weeks after that amazing weekend. At the time,
MAYHEM! was in full swing. MAYHEM!, a 64-character tournament held on Facebook,
featured characters from Dead Gentlemen and Zombie Orpheus matched up in
unlikely fights to the death (though not all were fatal). Fans voted for who would
advanced and creative writing juggernaut, Jimmy McMichael, had to compose a short story
that explained the match. In meta-game fashion, Tony Becerra (1st Assistant Director to writer/creator/director Matt Vancil) had just stolen victory from Mort Kemnon by
threatening cast, crew and fans to vote for him (video link) or else Gamers 3 would suffer.
He looked to be doing the same with his upcoming match with Carrow. At that
same time, fans were pushing for Zoe Adastra and Wren the Bard to pair up and
advance as ‘Zen’. The bout between ‘Zen’ and Tony Becerra seemed inevitable and
I intended this piece of fan fiction (if Jimmy and Matt felt it was good enough) to provide
the account. Although the Zoe/Wren duo did happen, Carrow crushed Tony. This account
now only exists in another reality.
Thanks to Clint Black for creating Mubi (aka Mooby).
“ZEN” VS.
TONY BECERRA
Complete
darkness.
An
echoing breaker switch accompanied by a piercing overhead light splits the
darkness onto a wide ring of nondescript cement floor. Beyond the ring is still,
impenetrable darkness.
Tony
Becerra steps out from the nothing and into the circle. His snakeskin,
silver-tipped shit-kicker boots click loudly against the cement, echoing past
the void. In his hand is a thick three-ring binder labeled ‘GAMERS 3 SCREENPLAY’.
Tony
paces around his side of the ring and taunts the darkness with the binder, “Zoe!
Wren! Come out and play or I’ll start tearing out more pages of Gamers Three!”
 |
| Tony Becerra |
After
a few beats, a second figure appears out of the darkness on the opposite side
of the ring. He is green-skinned with spiky yellow hair and a loosely closed brown
leather robe. His crazy eyes complement an uneven grin.
Becerra
rolls his eyes, “You are not Zoe.”
“No.
Not Zoh-ee,” agrees the orc in halting English. “Mubi Firehair, I am.”
“What
the hell does that mean?”
Mubi thinks for a moment, and then in stilted English, as if repeating memorized
sounds, “I am a contractually obligated character who will be appearing in the
JourneyQuest universe sometime in the future.” As he says this, he flips open
his robe and unclips two fist-sized glass spheres from his black leather belt.
Becerra
scoffs, “Whatever.” He snaps his fingers loudly, “VANCIL!”
Flash! — Poof! Matt Vancil appears.
“Yes,
Master Becerra?” replies Matt sheepishly.
“Write
this — thing — out of existence. And bring me Zoe and Wren!”
“I,
I, I can’t, Master Becerra.” Vancil replies, visibly wincing.
“You
dare?!” Becerra shoots him a stare. A stare Vancil knows all too well.
Matt
drops down to his knees crying, grasping for Tony’s pant leg, “Please! Please
don’t hurt my family, Master Becerra. It…it’s not my fault,” he sobs. “I’m
not writing this story!”
Another
eye roll and a sigh. Tony kicks off the blubbering writer. “That’s. Just. Great.” A second snap, “JIMMY!”
Flash! -
Poof! Jimmy McMichael appears on the other side of Tony.
“Yeah,
Tony?” McMichael isn’t subservient. What seems to be asthma kicks in and he
coughs, although the cough sounds more like *dickhead*.
“End
this…,” Becerra gestures quote marks in the air, “‘Official Mayhem Fiction’ -- Now.”
“Sorry,
no can do, ‘Master Becerra’,” Jimmy fingers quote marks back at Tony before
coughing again. This time sounding more like *asshammock*
 |
| Wren the Bard |
“I
grow tired of your insolence, Jimmy. Perhaps you need some quality time in Room
101?” Matt yelps at this and curls into a fetal ball.
Mubi’s
grin morphs into a sneer and he rolls the two glass spheres. They course loudly
across the cement, interweaving slowly and hypnotically toward Becerra’s feet.
Jimmy
continues, “I’m not writing this story, either. It’s being written by some fan
in St. Louis, Missouri.”
“Ooo!”
Wren appears at the circle’s edge to the far left of Tony. Rubbing her hands
excitedly together, “Did we miss anything?”
“I’ll
take that.” Zoe’s hand reaches from behind Tony and removes the binder from
Becerra’s grasp.
 |
| Zoe Adastra |
“What!?
Who? How is that even possible!??!” Becerra’s gaze is still fixed on the
approaching spheres.
“Entrancing
aren’t they?” Wren chirps. “Oh, Zoe? You might want to step away -- quickly.”
The
glass balls roll to a stop at Becerra’s feet. He can see there is a word
written across each one. His eyes widen as he takes in the word ‘creative’
written across one ball and ‘commons’ written across the other.
“Nooooooo!”
Becerra yells before the scene is engulfed in two fiery explosions.
WINNER: “Zen”
Epilogue
The
scene re-focuses. Mubi Firehair stands silently over the balled-up Matt Vancil.
Both are near the small crater of cement where Becerra once stood. Jimmy is nowhere
to be seen, likely off drafting more fabulous accounts of these MAYHEM! bouts.
“Huh.
I wonder why we’re still here?” Wren asks, curious. She wonders over, away from
Matt and Mubi, to stand close to Zoe. A little too close. Zoe looks up from
the open binder, her one eye locking with Wren’s deep pools for several breaths.
A gust of wind from no particular direction catches their hair. Wren throws
her best smoldering smile at Zoe and delicately reaches for her shoulder.
“NO!”
Barks Zoe firmly. She slams the binder shut, slashes the wind away and points a
cautioning finger at Wren. “This will NOT be one of THOSE stories!”
“But…”
“Wren Birdsong!” Zoe says sternly as she grabs Wren's touch from her shoulder. “My smolder
is more perilous than you can possibly imagine.”
Wren
winks playfully, “Oh, I don’t know – I am a bard. I can imagine a lot of peril.”
“No!”
Wren
pauses, “Not even, a little peril?”
“…”
Wren
pouts, “Then why are we still here?”
“I’m
not sure,” Zoe looks around the ring, and then calls out “Whoever is writing
this better finish up! You may think you’re funny, but it is starting to bore
the fans and I’ve got a company to run
thank you!”
 |
| Mubi Firehair |
Elsewhere
in the ring, Mubi (his back to the victorious duo) helps Matt to his feet.
Through ruddy, puffy eyes, the writer watches Mubi reach into a pocket of his
brown robe, pull out a Red Card and hold it out to Matt. Matt, ears still
ringing from the twin explosions, silently asks, “WHAT’S THAT FOR!?” at top
volume.
Mubi,
accustom to post-explosion conversation, replies in slow, loud orcish, “Krysliul va abriul aka! Petkart udz.1”
Vancil’s
eyes light up, comprehending. He takes the card from the contractually
obligated character. A mischievous grin skims across his face and Matt casts a sideways glance at the back of his one-eyed nemesis as a final breaker
switch floods the scene in darkness.
* * * * *
1 - “It
is dangerous to go alone! Take this.”
